The Swede's wife stepped up to the tee,
As she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?!!" Ole demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." she replied.
The Swede immediately reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blew up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replied, "I can't afford any on the little money you give me."
Patrick reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go out and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, was naked.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?"
She too explained, 'You dinna give me enough money to be able at affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and said, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, woman---here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy. This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'
Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.
Bob and Mary had been married for many years, and were kind of bored. They went to a Marriage counsellor who said that if they wanted to put some "zing" into their sex life, they should be more spontaneous in their lovemaking. Bob and Mary said they would give it a try.
The next week, they were back in the counsellor's office and he asked how things were going. Bob said, "Well, we have good news and bad news. The other day Mary dropped a can of baked beans on the floor and when she bent down to pick it up, I was so excited, I just whipped up her skirt and we did it right there. It was the most satisfying sex we've had in years."
The counsellor said, "That's great! So what's the bad news?"
Bob said, "We can't go shopping at Asda anymore."
Love Old Guys.
I took my dad out shopping the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 70).
We decided to grab a snack at McDonalds.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew it would be a good one!
In his classic style he responded without batting an eyelid .......
"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt."
The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name you need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."
So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?" And the little girl said, Happy Butt."
The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all.
After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt."
The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt" what's the difference?
A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a man named Murphy.
The boss thought, "I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman," so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Murphy says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says," What the hell's that?" Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine."
"Fair enough," says the boss.
Using the same rules, represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Murphy says "Each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says "There ya go sir, 100."
The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."
He says, "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."
Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?"
ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her! 'Loosen up Gran.
These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. ...
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
Now all be good. Will have some more on return. The Sun and Red Wine are calling.