I got this email last night and thought i would share it with you, it made me smile;
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your ****ing will power'
A woman buys a wall mirror from Wal-Mart, manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror' She said no 'but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower'.
Top tip; if you¹re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex........... Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '
A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry fatty , your bound to lose it eventually '
A Newfie is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, his Newfie buddy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? The first Newfie says ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............The Second Newfie says 'Four!'
One of life's great mysteries -
How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch butt, IN THE DARK............ but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?
Snow eh! The TV weather woman said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'
I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Niggers" and ³Mexicans² were not the correct answers.