Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: Genuine Police Complaint

  1. #1

    Genuine Police Complaint

    Police Complaint - just brilliant!

    This is a genuine complaint to Greenock Police Force from an angry member of the public. A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

    Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

    Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Greenock police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

    Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Greenock, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

    As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Mathie Crescent, which is just off Mathie Road in Gourock.

    Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

    The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

    I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

    What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

    I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

    I remain your obedient servant


    Mr ??????,

    I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

    As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

    PC ???????
    Community Beat Officer


    Dear PC ???????
    First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

    16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Greenock Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

    Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

    May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in Mathie Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

    Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Gourock, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere?

    The pitch on Larkfield Road or the one at Battery Park are both within spitting distance, as is the bottom of the Gourock Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

    Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in Monty's Pub.


    P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact

  2. #2
    There is a place on this planet for all of God's creatures, right next to my tatties and gravy!!!

  3. #3
    Account Suspended
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Bonnie Scotland
    Pure quality, man

  4. #4

    I know the area well

  5. #5

    Worked in the area a couple of times, plenty of Billy Connelly humour and some characters

  6. #6
    Bloody brilliant deserves recognition , I hope that his MP or Chief Constable has received a copy as someone needs a target nailed to their arse.

    A clever man knows his strengths, a wise man knows his weaknesses

  7. #7
    Jesus thats funny. Perhaps he could become a moderator on the SD site and put some of the banned idiots we have had on here in their place. It would be funny to see wouldnt it

  8. #8
    I wonder if this is fact as I have read this on the internet quite a while ago.
    Any chance of finding the originator, it certainly follows a definite pattern of quite a few defunct Police Stations around the country.

  9. #9
    A man after my own heart. In the village nearest to me they have built a new shiney Police station which also seems to be of the un-manned variety. I tried once to get in to report an incident, no answer despite the fact that there were three pandas outside and I could see shadow like figures moving around inside. I finally left a message and about two days later a giggley female PCSO called to explain that the contractors that built the station had put the doorbell on the inside (hee hee!) How I laughed! JC

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by EMcC View Post
    I wonder if this is fact as I have read this on the internet quite a while ago.
    Any chance of finding the originator, it certainly follows a definite pattern of quite a few defunct Police Stations around the country.
    It is genuine but the original locality is not quite accurate. It originated in the Edinburgh area and the letter was never meant to have been made as public as it was. The author was in fear of his safety if his identity ever got out which in itself resulted in a subsequent complaint.

    The officer who 'leaked' this obviously has a rebellious streak!

Similar Threads

  1. Thanks Merseyside police
    By limulus in forum Deer Stalking General
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 16-08-2010, 23:05
  2. A word of warning to honest, genuine people...
    By sako85 in forum Deer Stalking General
    Replies: 28
    Last Post: 31-07-2010, 20:03
  3. Replies: 17
    Last Post: 09-05-2010, 02:10
  4. police
    By tika.308 in forum Deer Stalking General
    Replies: 42
    Last Post: 24-04-2010, 11:16
  5. Police Complaint
    By SWR in forum Jokes & Funnies
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 13-11-2007, 13:57

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts