Translating the Haynes manual..
Manual; Rotate clockwise.
Translation; Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer, anticlockwise.
Manual; This is a snug fit.
Translation; Not a hope in hell matey.
Manual; As described in chapter 7.
Translation; That’ll teach you not to read through before you start; Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Translation; Hammer a screwdriver into.
Translation; Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size)
Manual; Retain tiny spring.
Translation; “Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out”
Manual; Press & rotate to remove bulb.
Translation; OK- that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.
Translation; Start off lightly & build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing, then recheck the manual because what you are now doing could never be described as “lightly” in a million years.
Manual; Weekly checks.
Translation; If it isn’t broken don’t fix it.
Manual; Routine maintenance
Translation; If it isn’t broken, its about to be.
Manual; One spanner rating
Translation; Your mum could do this, so how long did it take you to botch it up.
Manual; Two spanner rating.
Translation; Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny “ickle” number, but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Manual; Three spanner rating.
Translation; But Land Rovers are easy to maintain right? So you think three Land Rover spanners has got to be more like an “ordinary car” two spanner job.
Manual; Four spanner rating.
Translation; You are seriously considering doing this, aren’t you, you maniac.
Manual; Five spanner rating.
Translation; OK-but don’t expect us to ride in it afterwards.
Manual; If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this.
Translation; ; HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Translation; Squeeze with all your might, jump up & down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage while muttering “idiot” repeatedly under your breath.
Translation; Squint at really hard & pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife “Yep, as I thought, its going to need a new one”.
Translation; Your are about to cut yourself.
Manual; Retaining nut.
Translation; Yes, that’s it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Manual; Get an assistant.
Translation; Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Manual; Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation; However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Manual; Refitting is the reverse sequence of removal.
Translation; But you swear in different places.
Manual; Prise away plastic locking pegs.
Translation; Snap off.
Manual; Using a suitable drift.
Translation; The biggest nail in your toolbox isn’t a suitable drift.
Manual; Everyday toolkit.
Translation; Ensure that you have an AA card & mobile phone.
Manual; Apply moderate heat.
Translation; Placing your mouth near it & huffing isn’t moderate heat.
Translation; List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do.
For added Manual fun; Go to the first section, “Safety First”, & read the bit about Hydroflouric Acid- Do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement?
Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs-as you look at these two pages say to yourself over & over until it sink in “mine will never look like that”
The translation doesn’t cover what I have often described as the scariest phrase in the English language, “First remove the five retaining bolts”.
Three come off with no problems. One will not move, no matter what equipment you use on it & you cannot find the fifth at all.