A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on
the Richter Scale hit Rochdale in the early hours of Tuesday with its
epicenter in Kirkholt. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of
damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and Jalalabad
were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Rochdale Observer reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Rochdale.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Abdul-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew and a van-load of Mango Lassi to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, copies of the Koran, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
Fortunately, three of the seventy-four £1 shops in and around the town-centre have been unaffected allowing locals to continue buying completely worthless ***** between trips to The Regal Moon shelter.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Tins of baked beans
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£5 buys chips, crisps and dandelion and burdock for a family of 9
£6 buys a packet of Bensons and a lighter to calm the nerves of those
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in Raspberry Alco-pop.” Where are you bleeding from?" they asked, "Belfield" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"