A pretty young girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing for a local charity shop.
I said, yes but what would I get in return.
She said I could play with her breasts.

I thoughtÖ Thatís fairÖ. Tit for Tat.

An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on a lesbian waiting for her date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer. "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my dildo can't!" the lesbian smirks. The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your dildo buy the next round of drinks!"

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention. The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy." I replied, "Well, which One are you then?"

A couple was having trouble picking outfits for Halloween. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room.15 minutes later she came back naked except for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her and then stormed out of the room. Then he came back with a potato around his dick. The wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied "If youíre going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator".

Man comes home to see his 7 year old son shaking the family cat upside down and quite violently too.....

Dad: What the hell are you doing with the cat??
Son: Well Mum said thereís 50pence in the kitty but Iím dammed if I can get it out!!

I was in the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in....... Anyway, sheís made a formal complaint and now Iím barred for life!!
My racing snail stopped winning races, so I removed its shell to make it more aerodynamic. That didn't work because it's more sluggish now.
I thought my new girlfriend was great. But after nosey-ing through her knicker drawer and finding a Nurses uniform. A French maidís outfit and a Police womanís uniform, I dumped her..... Itís obvious, she canít hold down a f**king job...