I've just noticed the date - 22nd. April. That means by my reckoning that Tuesday'll be the 24th. Which means it's my birthday. Which means I'll be
sixty-poxy-six. Oh, B****CKS !
Now, those privileged few of you who know me will almost certainly find that hard, not to say impossible, to believe since I only look 40 and am still massively alluring to all women. But it's true.
So, guys, please, please, please and please again with a cherry on top - I want loads of messages conveying deep and genuine heartfelt sympathy so I don't feel so old and unloved.
No "Happy Birthday" cards and messages thanks. Take my word for it - there's f**k all "happy" about it.
But presents ...... ah yes now, presents. I do like presents. Ever such a lot. But please, whatever else you do, don't embarrass me by sending anything .......... er .......... you know ........ er, cheap !
Had it happen to me last year. Pals of mine (pals my arse) phoned to say that as it was my 65th. and a bit of a milestone they had clubbed together and were sending me a new telescopic sight. "Oh, Christ, you shouldn't have done that" said I. "It's nothing, anything for a friend" said they back. I don't know quite what I was expecting with bated excitement - but probably something European, 4-80 variable x 200 (eyeballs are going) with a parallax eliminator, illuminated reticule, bullet drop compensator, rangefinder and a Goblin Teasmaid on top. And a compass and a fishing rod. Something around that mark would've done the trick. What did I get though ? Three cardboard bog-roll centres cellotaped in line with clingfilm over each end and a black cotton crosshair glued on. What pricks. I hope they all die in pain just before some Christmas or other and just before they get the chance to open their own prezzies !
My very good young friend, Deer Assassin on this site, is taking me salmon fishing later in the week. Says he's gonna teach me how to fish properly and catch shitloads. I know him and so I know there'll be a bit of a competition going on. I also know he doesn't know that I know all about Cymag :-) He's still got tad to learn from this old fool !
Jack Nicholson once said of all of us in this age bracket in his film Bucket List (I recommend it) - "never give up the opportunity to take a piss, never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart." Is this really what I've got coming to me ?
Nearly in tears as I'm so sorry for me, but regards to all,
(there now, see ?? I'm that old I can't even think of a snappy username for myself)