Why is it you can crap like a week on the vindaloo all week but the moment that envelope arrives they turn to granite. They give you a nice wee cardboard spatula. You could not penetrate this thing with a .308. You grab one with a bit of toilet paper but it won't mark the surface. You know this will continue for three days. Then they say put on your label, make sure you have dated your samples then seal it in the envelope. Cover only the grey area with the flap. It is prefolded past that point and it will not re-aline. Do not smudge the envelope with brown felt pen. Postie knows what is inside.
Seriously, if you get a bowel screening kit, use it. Do not die of embarrassment. I have lost friends to it. It is not nice. I know a lot of survivors that are thankful they were caught early. 50% are not returned. Are you one of them? Why, you handle ***** every time you deck a deer? Use the kit.