The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the Earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud formed and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front garden weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the local government planning regulations and the parish council . I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with offshore health and safety over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating his right to light by building the Ark in my front garden, so I had to get a temporary structure planning permission
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the red kite. I finally convinced the forestry commission that I needed the wood to save the kite.
However, the natural England won’t let me catch any kites. So, no kites.
The joiners formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a pay settlement with the NUT Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no Kites.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the court case dismissed, the environmental agency notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then rivers authority demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe painted blue.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The Tax man has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the customs and excise that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'
Finally the local catholic church got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the Earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"
Just a note to brighten your day
All the best Ash