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Thread: Battle of Trafalgar circa 2013

  1. #1

    Battle of Trafalgar circa 2013

    Nelson discussing Trafalgar in 2013
    Yesterday at 2:05pm
    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

    Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

    Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

    Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

    Nelson (reading aloud ): England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

    Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

    Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

    Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

    Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

    Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

    Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

    Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

    Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

    Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

    Nelson: "What?"

    Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

    Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

    Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

    Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

    Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

    Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

    Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.."

    Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

    Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

    Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

    Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

    Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

    Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

    Nelson: "We're not?"

    Hardy: "No, sir.. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

    Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

    Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

    Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

    Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

    Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

    Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

    Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

    Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

    Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."

  2. #2
    Absolutely brilliant as a joke, but too near the truth these days I'm afraid.

  3. #3
    Brilliant !!!
    Humans are pre wired with fight or flight response
    Great Grandad fought, Grandad fought.
    For the sake of my Grandchild I wish for Less Flight responses entering Europe

  4. #4
    You have to laugh it's briliant, if you didn't you would cry, and people wonder what's wrong with the world today. That was a near miss I just stopped myself as I was reaching for my soapbox!

    A clever man knows his strengths, a wise man knows his weaknesses

  5. #5
    You'd have to do a risk assessment before getting on one of those!

  6. #6
    This joke will be doing the rounds on Trafalgar Day.
    I thought I could see light at the end of the tunnel, but it was only some fecker with a torch bringing me more work

  7. #7
    Established Poster
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    The New Forest, Hampshire
    And there were 12 year olds at the Battle of Trafalgar. Today, they have to stay at school until they are 18!

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