'I have a weird arrangement with my neighbour.
I give him all of my wages, he pays the bills for me and gives me back what's left.
He says we're both better off that way, economies of scale and all that, I've seen its cheaper to buy in bulk so he must be right.
Except recently I've started questioning the arrangement, it's hard to tell but I don't seem to be getting the best deal. (even harder to tell because he has all the receipts and doesn't share the info with me).
He's got the bigger house and car, fair enough as he earns a bit more than me, but people with the same wage as I have (who don't have this arrangement) all seem to be much better off. -
thats a chip on my shoulder I can't bear and it is making me see things funny
From what I can gather, I'm getting a fair bit less back than what I'm giving out.. he says I'm wrong, and keeps telling me I'm a scrounger living off his handouts.
- despite the fact that actual numbers using the Barnett formula that prove otherwise and Scottish people already get more per head
He's taken control of most of the official stuff, last year he "reassigned" a fair part of my back garden to become his back garden now, and tried to keep quiet about it. -
He's also decided that his gas boiler is a bit dangerous, so that gets kept outside my bedroom window, where it would destroy the majority of my house should there be an accident, but leave his intact. I did ask him to move it back since I don't even want gas heating, but he said it would be too dangerous keeping it next to his house.
- but actually if it did go pop it wouldn't make any difference as we would both be glowing in the dark for decades
He's also putting in a new high speed driveway, and says I get to share in the cost, even though it doesn't actually touch my land at all and I won't use it, and it's bloody expensive! -
although I control a whopping amount for infrastructure projects and decided to build a stupid Borders railway, a tram system no-one uses and THE MOST EXPENSIVE BRIDGE IN THE WORLD with what money I control....oh I forgot to save any to fill the potholes
We share a common budget, so any major works that are done are shared, fair enough, but all the major work gets done on his house, which ain't so fair. Even if improving his house devalues mine, I still get to contribute to improving his house.
- there goes that chip again
So I've been thinking about scrapping this arrangement and going it alone. It's a little scary to be honest, exciting but scary. Going out and being my own man, doing my own thing with my own money, I'm a little worried I won't always get it right, but I'm hopeful things will improve. I'll be able to start spending my money on what I need, rather than asking him and hope that he needs it too, or won't mind giving me some of my money back for it.
- but when I come to think of it, I am pretty useless at managing my own money and have displayed a singular lack of control or grasp of basic maths when it comes to any public spending, so maybe it would be better in his hands
But now he's started scaring me even more.. for example, he told me my shopping would get more expensive if i went to Asda myself, but I asked the manager there and she said he's talking nonsense again.
- but as he was a 12year old in a green uniform I am not sure who to trust there either
He's being going round the other neighbours trying to get them to convince me it's a bad idea, even using some of my money to bribe some of them into saying so! (Boris across the road stuck him in). -
He also says I won't be allowed back on the neighbourhood committee either. I've been to every meeting since it started, albeit as a partnership, I was there before all the other neighbours, and they all like me and want me there, but he says they won't let me back.. they're not allowed to officially declare anything yet, the committee is kinda bureaucratic that way, since it's currently his name on my paperwork, he's the only one allowed to ask, but won't.
- but secretly I know this crap as letter form the EU is on the internet for all to see, so I better start polishing my shoes and get my cap in hand! http://www.scottish.parliament.uk/S4_EuropeanandExternalRelationsCommittee/Inquiries/Letter_from_Viviane_Reding_Vice_President_of_the_European_Commission_dated_20_March_2014__pdf.pdf
He never usually comes to visit me, but this last week I can't get rid of him, He's all over my house telling me it's gonna be too expensive to redecorate, that the plants in the garden will all wither and die, and the burglars will all suddenly flock to Rob me if I go it alone. It all sounds a bit ridiculous to be honest, and it's not the first time I've caught him lying to me.
On the bright side, after telling me for years it's just a stupid idea, this past week he's decided I might be onto something, and has offered offered a "mystery prize" if I decide to stay.. ooh a mystery prize! ...exciting! He won't hint how big a prize though...?
- mind you I have done feck all with the last present he gave me (devolved powers across health, welfare, transport, etc etc)
So I've got just a couple of days left to decide.. what do you think?
Yes or No?'