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Thread: If you think Education is expensive, try being stupid.

  1. #1

    If you think Education is expensive, try being stupid.

    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.. A guy who purchased
    his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
    sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
    looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
    across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
    the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
    affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
    home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
    button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
    pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
    time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth
    between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
    on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
    it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
    (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
    thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
    blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
    second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
    was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
    mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
    one hand, and taser in another.
    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
    your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
    spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
    purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
    water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
    batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
    about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute
    really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking
    to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
    one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one
    second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
    bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
    me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
    and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
    fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
    on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
    my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
    to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
    atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
    living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
    note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
    you zap yourself!

    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
    hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
    would be considered conservative?


    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
    at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
    and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
    mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8
    feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and
    both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
    up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control
    over the drooling. Apparrently I **** myself, but was too numb to
    know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke
    cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still
    looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their
    safe return!!

    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

  2. #2
    Took me ages to finish reading it for the tears in my eyes.


  3. #3
    Now I know what I am certainly not going to get Fran for chrimbo... no way no how..

  4. #4
    Classic, brilliant......

  5. #5


    That is shocking

  6. #6
    funniest thing i think i have heard in my life brill

  7. #7
    Could you imagine, your home in a deep sleep, its saturday morning an the kids want you awake. They see the tazer and you left buttock poking out of the duvet, all pink an soft..............



    I can't even think about how that would feel.......... eventually

  8. #8


    laughed my socks off......

  9. #9
    Regular Poster buck52's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    England, a large country south of the Scottish Border
    God I needed to laugh today and that did it.

  10. #10
    You **** yourself? I definitely **** myself while reading this.......hilarious!

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