Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said
white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30
minutes.. I think they were The Hovis Witnesses.

A little old lady in a nursing home raises her fist and says, “Whoever can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight.”
A little old man in the back of the room yells, “An elephant.”
The old lady says, “Close enough.”

Oh Holy F**k! I just saw Russell Grant on Strictly.
If I was in any way inclined to watch a spastic f**king hippo in spandex pummel the poor defenseless floorboards I'd hang around for my wife's aerobics class.
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Finally, after decades of torture and oppression, one of the world's most disgusting and horrifying regimes has come to an end. The people of the world can once again sleep soundly in their beds. Westlife have split up

Michael Jackson trial....
Dr Conrad Murray has told the court about Jackson's dramatic weight loss.... "Michael had got so thin that although his pyjama tops were still adult size, he could still squeeze himself into children's bottoms."


A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself and asks, "May I buy you a cocktail?" "No thank you," Maxine replies, "Alcohol is bad for my legs." "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."

Two bored old ladies are sitting on a park bench. One says, “For five pounds I’ll streak through the flower show across the street.” They shake on it.

Waiting outside the flower show, her friend soon hears a commotion in the convention hall, followed by loud applause. Then the naked granny bursts out through the door with a cheering crowd behind her.

“What happened?” asks her friend.

“I won first prize for best dried arrangement!”

There were some Eco warriors protesting outside the local council offices. They all had their "Save The Ancient Woodland" posters and banners. So I decided to go down there and take the piss. "Chop 'em all down, we need the logs!" I cried.

"Go away, you monster!" one of the hippies shouted.

"Seriously," I laughed, "you know they're going to do it so you're wasting your time. What are they building anyway, a motorway? An airport?"

"A mosque," he replied. I've been protesting with them for three days now.