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Thread: court room quotes

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    court room quotes

    From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things people actually said in court, word for word....

    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.

    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

    Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.

    Q: And where was the location of the accident?
    A: Approximately milepost 499.
    Q: And where is milepost 499?
    A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.

    Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
    A: Yes.
    Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: What did she say?
    A: What disco am I at?

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q: Did he kill you?

    Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

    Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?

    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

    Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
    A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

    LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
    WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
    LAWYER: Male semen?
    WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

    LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
    WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
    LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
    WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
    LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
    WITNESS: No.

    LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
    WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
    LAWYER: It was covered?
    WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
    LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
    WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

    CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
    WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
    CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
    WITNESS: That's right.
    CLERK: Repeat it.
    WITNESS: "Repeat it".
    CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
    WITNESS: What you said when?
    CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
    WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
    CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
    WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
    CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
    WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
    CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
    WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
    CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
    WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
    CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say:"Nothing but the truth..."
    WITNESS: Yes.
    CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    CLERK: Well? Do so.
    WITNESS: You're confusing me.
    CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
    CLERK: Yes.
    WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
    CLERK: Then say it.
    WITNESS: What?
    CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
    WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
    CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
    WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
    CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
    WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
    CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
    WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
    CLERK: Thank you.
    WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

    LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
    WITNESS: I did.
    LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
    WITNESS: I did.
    LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
    WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
    LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
    WITNESS: I saw George.
    LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
    WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
    LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
    WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
    LAWYER: His "thing"?
    WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
    LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
    WITNESS: Of course I did!
    LAWYER: What did you say to him?
    WITNESS: "Morning, George"

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    The king is dead, (squrrel nutkin)long live the king,Spanky!

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