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Thread: Some Viz Top Tips

  1. #1

    Some Viz Top Tips

    Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They
    will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
    J B Cartland, Brighton.

    Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker
    "Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be
    dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.
    J. T., Thropton.

    Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
    chin into a bowl of iron filings.
    B Villbens, Birmingham.

    X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
    drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
    place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
    Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge.

    A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to
    guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble
    dispenser at cocktail parties.
    L Traintu, Clarkesville.

    Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.
    It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."
    James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital.

    Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding
    under the covers.
    Charles Holley, Newcastle.

    Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an
    empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
    Ms. G. M. Dowd, Wigan.

    Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each
    pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and
    receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
    P.Turner, Liverpool L17.

    Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking
    them to wrap it.
    D. Treloar, Wandsworth.

    A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an
    ideal "car" for snakes.
    G. Dorson, Skipton.

    Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
    grazes with thin strips of bacon.
    Phil Wasey, Liverpool.

    Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film
    and press them into your eyes.
    D. Stokes, Middlesex.

    Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
    P.J. Ruddock, London.

    Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
    changing your name to match your existing plate.
    Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.

    Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about
    4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat
    tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.
    Andy Hodgeson, Manchester.

    Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
    the object you wish to view.
    S Goldhanger, Fulchester.

    Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa
    anytime by just turning on the tap.
    Mrs M Growitt, Birmingham.

    Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
    refreshed and on time.
    Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany.

    Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever
    you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two
    plastic buckets.
    D. Griffiths, Kent.

    Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and
    talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,
    or set fire to someone else's house.
    Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham.

    Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the
    tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have
    sex without waking her up.
    Frank Wilson, Southend.

    Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're
    ***** at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra
    girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
    Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff.

    Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,
    because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-
    arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
    D Thresher, Wapping.

    Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen
    chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.
    B Reastford, Iranville, Notts.

    Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
    fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

    Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
    every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of
    the escaping gas.
    N. Burke, Manchester.

    As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we
    smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in
    such emergencies.
    Mrs D Bibby, Rugby.

    Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
    direction of oncoming traffic.
    D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead.

    When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case
    a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up
    the road.
    D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary.

    Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle
    East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British
    Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a
    few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any
    planes home.
    S Goblin, Middlesex.

    Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your
    head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide
    Kate Emblen, Uxbridge.

    Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,
    instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid *******s.
    M Burridge, Newcastle.

    Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
    P Raker, Chatham.

    Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and
    attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be
    worn around the neck.
    B Morgan, Criccieth.

    Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
    slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
    D Duckham, Didford.

    Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative
    to sun-bed treatments.
    Mr T. Eebly, Warstead.

    Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
    cakes again.
    P Loft, Gateshead.

    I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.
    The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have
    completely forgotten ever owning a car.
    Mike Grey, Essex.

    Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by
    steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.
    T.C. Jackson, York.

    Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply
    gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.
    J. Bradley, Beeston, Notts.

    Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!
    A. Sharp, Birmingham.

    Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by
    making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each
    Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

    Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a
    few **** mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and
    easier to smuggle into the toilet.
    Carl Hesketh, Blackburn.

    A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
    coat hanger in an emergency.
    Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.

    Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
    imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
    intended destination in the first place.
    Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

    Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse
    neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player
    during a powercut.
    Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country.

    Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you
    on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the
    Bastien Phelp, Bath.

    Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over
    any that you catch in the act.
    W. T. Conqueror, Hastings.

    Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe
    and a cricket ball.
    I. K. Brunel, Bristol.

    Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn
    back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.
    C. Custer, Little Bighorn.

    Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with
    a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off
    the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic
    and dangerous landings.
    Neil Davis, e-mail.

    Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style branding
    J.T. Thropton.

    An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
    inexpensive vibrator.
    Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod.

    Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The
    Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their
    J.T. Thropton.

    Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down
    the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in
    your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.
    Simone Glover, Tottenham.

  2. #2
    Some top tips alright

    Remember reading the pound of lard tip probably 20 years ago,still never leave home without it

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by nell View Post
    Some top tips alright

    Remember reading the pound of lard tip probably 20 years ago,still never leave home without it
    Worth another look??


  4. #4
    Oh god, I’ve just spilt my morning cuppa all over the bed linen... why does absurdity make me laugh so hard? My two boys discovered my Viz book The Big Bell End at an inappropriately young age... should have hidden it away, but instead was forced to endure months and months of Buster’s gonads and some very deliberate attempts at rivalling Terry.

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