Help with an alcoholic please.

CDSG Shooting Sports

Eyefor

Well-Known Member
First of all my apologies if this is considered inappropriate for this site but, being in need of advice, I thought the considerable number of people on here with many diverse backgrounds and experiences might be able to assist me.

Secondly, this is not my problem (in so far as it is not me who is the alcoholic and pretending it is a third party) but genuinely someone else (the son of a very good business associate, Not from UK but having property & business here but living in 3rd World with little or no options at his locality).

Third (possibly irrelevant but to give guidance on what could be done) the amount of money needed to fix this is of no consequence to the father.

Problem 1 is that the son does not admit he has a problem but his actions (which I will refrain from detailing) are evidence enough of a serious problem. Previous treatment in the US has failed and the situation is approaching desperate.

Problem 2 is that he does not drink a hugely excessive amount of alcohol - it is just that his body appears to be unable to handle it whereas his brother can drink a very large amount and still remain in control (mentally & physically).

My initial thoughts are to book him in the Priory - but around £30K (ish) for a few weeks is a lot if it does not work? Does anyone have 1st hand experience of their work and could anyone recommend them - or recommend an alternative.

Should I call alcoholics anonymous - if I am not the (directly) affected person?

I will answer all PM's if that is anyone's preference.

Thanks in advance.
 

Casey1875

Member
Untill the person realises that they have a problem I don't think that there is much that can be done, possibly a sit down with all his friends and family with them explaining their concerns might help him realises that he is on the wrong road? Another idea would be to keep the guy busy so that he has no time to drink. Something sporty is good as if they want to get any good at the sport drinking won't help and they may choose to stop altogether.

Hope that he gets back on the right road soon as the longer its left the worse it will get.
Casey
 

AnthonyR

Well-Known Member
I know from bitter personal experience that you cannot help somebody who doesn't want to helped or doesn't recognise that they have a serious problem. As painful as it might me my recommendation would be to let them reach rock bottom before offering to help, intervening to early is likely to be counter productive in the long term.

The fact that your friend can get incapacitated by only a relatively small amount of alcohol is probably indicative of some form liver damage, be it temporary or more seriously it could be permanent.

I do have experience of the Priory and other similar places and they do work well for a good percentage of the people who go there but at the same time they still have a high failure rate, we were told that up to 40% of the patients admitted could not be helped and we were actually refused readmittance on this basis.
 

teyhan1

Well-Known Member
As Anthony R has said it is all about hitting rock bottom.
Some peoples rock bottom is very shallow and some peoples is bottomless, the trouble is only that person will know where and when they have reached it.
Hopefully he will reach the bottom before he self explodes. Only when he does can he start the long climb out.
 

Bertie Leblanc

Well-Known Member
Contact AA. They have a support group for relatives.

As AnthonyR says you can't help someone who has not hit rock bottom and recognises they need help. You can help those around that person deal with the issues however.

​I have known 2 alcoholics and after 20+ years they are both still alcohol dependent.

Don't expect a quick fix or come to that any fix.

Very best of luck
 

Eyefor

Well-Known Member
Thanks for the replies and I know that getting any alcoholic to admit they have a problem is the first thing that needs resolving.

I have an alcoholic younger brother who has lost a riverside 5 bedroomed house and a super family - all to alcohol and he won't admit it either. He'll be dead inside 2 years and nobody seems to be able to stop it.

Spending money on him is a waste (it has been done) and I suppose it's his failing that is concerning me.
 

The deer man

Well-Known Member
An incredibly difficult situation and one I have experienced with my father who is an alcoholic but happily has not now had a drink in I think eight years. But what a long and painful process to get there. There was abuse and aggressiveness to every member of the family, in-laws, grandchildren and friends and it was extremely difficult for them to take a stand. In the end it came down to me facing him down in one of his more lucid moments and I 'threw the book' at him but this was also helped greatly by his doctor who made it quite clear if he carried on he would be dead.

AnthonyR has said it and rock bottom needs to be reached however I would add that the alcoholic needs to be shown in those rare moments of lucidity the damage he has caused by his actions. Easier said than done but the alcoholic needs to be shocked by the damage he has done in order for him to admit his problem to himself and then just maybe there's a chance with encouragement he can pull himself out of his alcohol dependency. He also needs to be shown you all want him back.

You are not alone and the best of luck, please feel free to PM me.
 

I. Farticus

Well-Known Member
We lost my Mother-in-Law to alcoholism 7 years ago next month. We were desperate for her to admit that she had a problem as the support network needed her to put her hand up and ask for help. Ranting, shouting, threatening all manner of things just won't work, they HAVE to take that first step themselves, and waiting/hoping/praying for that to happen is just awful.

She died in her own garden, at 60, of heart failure weighing 5st.

Such a massive waste, and my kids will never get to meet their Maternal Grandmother.

I've seen family videos, and know a number of her friends, and she was an absolute hoot before her husband died 17 years ago. She decided to find solace in the bottom of a bottle - they all have a reason/excuse, and this was hers...

I only knew her skidding downhill, and it was desperately sad.

Do all that you can. Be supportive, but you have to stand off and let them get on with it. There's no point hiding bottles, or getting the local bottle shop to refuse service as there's always a way...

Most professional advice is to just leave them alone. Cut them off. But that's nigh on impossible.

We even shopped her to the Police as she continued to drive. The toughest and bravest thing that I've seen was my wife speaking to an officer and asking him to take her Mother's licence and independence away, but she would certainly have killed someone. If not herself, then some one else. Someone we could have know, kids, parents... It could have been us on a zebra crossing... Anyway, within 18 hours she was in a cell having registered 4x legal limit at 10:00 on a Sunday morning... That amount would've killed me, but she spent all day topping up a huge level already in her system. When she died and we did the house clearance, I found 180 empty spirits bottles. 180!

I'm starting to ramble so, I'll leave it there.

Good luck, and I hope you all manage to work this through

iain
 

widows son

Well-Known Member
First of all my apologies if this is considered inappropriate for this site but, being in need of advice, I thought the considerable number of people on here with many diverse backgrounds and experiences might be able to assist me.

Secondly, this is not my problem (in so far as it is not me who is the alcoholic and pretending it is a third party) but genuinely someone else (the son of a very good business associate, Not from UK but having property & business here but living in 3rd World with little or no options at his locality).

Third (possibly irrelevant but to give guidance on what could be done) the amount of money needed to fix this is of no consequence to the father.

Problem 1 is that the son does not admit he has a problem but his actions (which I will refrain from detailing) are evidence enough of a serious problem. Previous treatment in the US has failed and the situation is approaching desperate.

Problem 2 is that he does not drink a hugely excessive amount of alcohol - it is just that his body appears to be unable to handle it whereas his brother can drink a very large amount and still remain in control (mentally & physically).

My initial thoughts are to book him in the Priory - but around £30K (ish) for a few weeks is a lot if it does not work? Does anyone have 1st hand experience of their work and could anyone recommend them - or recommend an alternative.

Should I call alcoholics anonymous - if I am not the (directly) affected person?

I will answer all PM's if that is anyone's preference.

Thanks in advance.

You say a previous treatment, so he is in denial to the problem .

There is usually something more to alcoholic problems in young people than meets the eye ,masking the problem with alcohol is often a sign. (this happens within in the military more often than people might think) . people only treat the alcohol but not the cause ,look at the life and life style he has lead leading up to the problem

Your friend may wish to look for some help for a two fold problem in the bigger picture of things .
 

pheasant sniper 1

Well-Known Member
You say a previous treatment, so he is in denial to the problem .

There is usually something more to alcoholic problems in young people than meets the eye ,masking the problem with alcohol is often a sign. (this happens within in the military more often than people might think) . people only treat the alcohol but not the cause ,look at the life and life style he has lead leading up to the problem

Your friend may wish to look for some help for a two fold problem in the bigger picture of things .

+1 WS

The figures are astounding for functioning alcoholics.

There will be more than a few here on SD
 

Paul at Fechan

Well-Known Member
One of the strongest ways to show someone as having such a problem it to video them displaying the slip from their normal social behavior into what is seen by others.

Having them watch this is very powerful but the video must be done in such a way as it seems it was just part of normal event ie birthday, wedding or BBQ etc
 

CWMMAN3738

Well-Known Member
Very true there is usually an underlying problem/cause but I'm afraid it's a painfull waiting game Untill he wants help, try videoing him when he's drunk and misbehaving & hurting those closest to him and show it back to him when he's at his most lucid it works for some when they realise what they are doing, I have some experience of this and drying people out and it's not a quick fix this will take time even after they admit the problem and want help and there will be relapses and setbacks you will just have to deal with them as they arise but at least expect them sometimes your lack of surprise at a relapse can be startling to them. Good luck!
You say a previous treatment, so he is in denial to the problem .

There is usually something more to alcoholic problems in young people than meets the eye ,masking the problem with alcohol is often a sign. (this happens within in the military more often than people might think) . people only treat the alcohol but not the cause ,look at the life and life style he has lead leading up to the problem

Your friend may wish to look for some help for a two fold problem in the bigger picture of things .
 

Uncle Buck

Well-Known Member
Sadly until he openly admits he has a problem be it alchohol or an underlying issue,
it will by a trying time for all concerned, and only then can he begin to get some
normality back in his life.

Rgds, Buck.
 

teabag_46

Well-Known Member
As Widows Son says, alcoholism within the forces is unfortunately not uncommon - I know from personal experience, as an 'alcohol dependent' (one step below alcoholic).
Sports is not always the way to though, when I had my problem, I was actually competing at inter-forces level in white water canoeing, tug of war, and practising martial arts. Ironically, the fitter I got, the more I drank, much to the chagrin of fellow competitors, who would assume that because I was hung over, they would be able to beat me, an assumption that more often than not, proved incorrect.
I really have no idea what caused me to sort myself out, but I did, and now although not teetotal, I drink very infrequently.
Later on, I becamd a publican, and have seen, and known, people suffering, and dying from cyrrhosis.
Even when people are suffering from cyrrhosis, and have been told by doctors in no uncertain terms that, if they carry on, they will be dead in six months, they often seem to carry on regardless.
It is unfortunate, but until or unless this guy finds his own reason(s) to quit, no amount of threats, cajoling, pleading or bribery will stop him.
I'm sorry to sound so negative, but as I say, I have seen this problem from both sides of the fence.
I wish you the best of luck with this, and hope that you can find something that he finds important enough to focus on, rather than the booze.
 

shrek1

Well-Known Member
As many have said I don't think that you can help some people I know it's hard but I think it's true.
I am 42 years old and watched my dad from an early age ruin his life through drink.As a child I had to watch him hit my mum when drunk cause and cause trouble and arguments. Christmas was horrible because he would spend all the money on drink and come home and then take out on my mum,we had no heating and when we went shopping my mum was frightened to buy any thing as he would go of the rails because the money was for his drink. He lost his driving licence through drink but carried on driving. We never went on holiday and my clout he's came from jumble sales. From an early age I said that I would never drink. The only thing that stopped my father from drinking was when he had a stroke 3 years ago,nothing else seemed to stop him. I still feel threatened when around drunk people (I am 6ft 2) so this is more a memory thing for me and not a size\physical issue.
I have no problem with people drinking in moderation but from my experience I don't think you can help some.
Good luck in what ever you feel you have to do but it's a long road!
 

csl

Administrator
Site Staff
A member has asked for this to be posted on their behalf

I am a regular member of SD.
Twenty five years ago, as a result of a conspiracy by my family and friends I found myself walking in to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I could find no dignified way of avoiding what they had planned for me! I did not believe I could stop drinking and didn't want to try as I knew I would fail.
The men and women in that AA room made me welcome. I went back because they asked me to and being asked back was not something that happened to me in those days. They were unfailingly kind to me. I could see they were decent ordinary folk who had somehow found a way to deal with their drink problem, but I still did not believe it would work for me.
A quarter of a century later I must now admit I was wrong, they showed me a way of coping and living that has meant I have not needed to drink since. I remain an active and involved member of AA and am proud to be so.
AA and their sister organisation AlAnon work! Look at their websites for a meeting near you - it doesn't even cost anything!

A grateful member of AA and a regular member of the SD - and grateful for that too!
 

Pedro

Well-Known Member
I can't add much to what has been already said, other than to wish your friend good luck.

The only observation that occurs to me is that if his father is rich, then is there a history of him paying his son's way out of trouble/illness and the son always knows that safety net is there? Perhaps removing that net will have the desired effect. Risky though.
 

toad

Well-Known Member
As many have said I don't think that you can help some people I know it's hard but I think it's true.
I am 42 years old and watched my dad from an early age ruin his life through drink.As a child I had to watch him hit my mum when drunk cause and cause trouble and arguments. Christmas was horrible because he would spend all the money on drink and come home and then take out on my mum,we had no heating and when we went shopping my mum was frightened to buy any thing as he would go of the rails because the money was for his drink. He lost his driving licence through drink but carried on driving. We never went on holiday and my clout he's came from jumble sales. From an early age I said that I would never drink. The only thing that stopped my father from drinking was when he had a stroke 3 years ago,nothing else seemed to stop him. I still feel threatened when around drunk people (I am 6ft 2) so this is more a memory thing for me and not a size\physical issue.
I have no problem with people drinking in moderation but from my experience I don't think you can help some.
Good luck in what ever you feel you have to do but it's a long road!
you should be proud of yourself shrek1 for getting through such a strong character . respect to you mate.
i was unable to save my mother who was intent on killing herself . it was a long and teribaly painful chapter of my life as a young teenager i watched her self destruct until she was successfull in taking her own life with an overdose . for the last 10 years i have been watching another member of my family who i think the world of doing the same . its curse of a disease some make it through it most dont . my heart goes out to anybody involved ,its not easy to walk away from those you care about.
 
UK Outfitters
Top