Here you go,and don't burst the stitches ..........
The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.... +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they've lost the plot!!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday , so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .”Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham , Bradford , Burnley , Leicester , Luton and London : Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’ , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world , swum with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.
> Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year
old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field
at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public
> The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home
from a drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is
soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least
I thought there was no one around,' he stated.
> Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole
in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into
it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
> In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor
> 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I
walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'
> Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
> 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a
> He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said:
> 'A pumpkin? **** ... is it midnight already?'
> The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was
found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10 and sent on his way.
> The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best
come-back line ever."