John Gryphon
Well-Known Member
COME TO AUSTRALIA
Come to Australia they said.
It's sunshine every day they said. The land of milk and honey they said
The men are big and strong. The women are all beautiful they said.
Golden beaches with warm water they said.
Lovely wildlife everywhere you go they said.
Like birds? We have a huge number of the most beautiful birds in the world they said.
Large cheap houses and back gardens for the kids they said.
Jobs galore with good pay said.
They also love dogs and have millions of them they said.
Sounds great ...off we go leaving chilly England behind.
What the tourist brochure didn't say--Is, there's a great divide between the city and the country.
The men in the city spend more time putting on makeup than the women. They go around in mobs talking about hair gel when they are not staring at their latest game on the phone.
How about the men in the country, surely they must be made of sterner stuff?
They are, they eat raw crocodiles for breakfast, walk around in bare feet in the scrub ignoring the seventeen most deadliest snakes in the world that wrap around their legs . All the while listening to country music telling the story about how the latest love of their life ran off with their best friend and how their dog died.
If I hear one more country sad song about a dying dog I am going to shoot myself.
The sea...they didn't mention, if the crocs and sharks don't eat you the jellyfish will cover that shortfall. If you manage to get out of the rips that will drag you out to sea and then get to the beach flies will attack and bite you. Yes...the flies bite you too.
Go to the park and have a picnic instead. I don't think so. The ants will eat you alive.
As you run out of the park the Magpies will sweep just like in the Hitchcock film and cling to your head where they will ferociously try to peck your eyes out.
Finally, you get into your car covered in bite marks from every known sea creature and insect and think you are safe.
This is where you will discover the Australian homosapiens, the most friendly humans on earth turn into raging insane lunatics when they get into a car and with no idea of left and right. They think that little blinky thing is ...what?...they have no idea what it is for and just switch it on randomly for fun. Traffic lights are advisory only.
You get home exhausted and grab a glass of Australian wine, the best wine in the world as it happens. Let's sit outside under the tree and enjoy nature . Hmmm... the beautiful birds you were told about are indeed beautiful. only trouble is, they all have the loudest most annoying screech instead of bird song. They are so pretty they don't have to sing.
Just as you get your earplugs in something bites you hard on your neck. Unfortunately, it is not your loved one. It's a mozzie with a hundred mates.
Even the loo isn't safe. You might find a few friendly frogs inside the bowl looking at you or the occasional unfriendly Redback spider waiting to bite your bum.
Dont leave your electric toothbrush on the open window ledge or you may find a snake wrapped around it like Margo did last week.
Still...there are thousands of dogs here and the Aussies do love their dogs. What the brochure didn't say was they love monster dogs.
The most popular dog in Australia is a 40 kg Pigdog. A Ridgeback x Pitbull x Dane x Mastive x Wolverine x Rottie x Tasmanian Devil. All of these dogs have one mission in life. that's is to kill each other and better still...kill me.
But the worst thing of all is they didn't BLOODY TELL ME HOW COLD IT WAS IN THE WINTER!.
Why do I stay here?... because it is a mental country full of lunatics and I love it because I fit right in.
Have a nice day!
Toodle pip.
The picture is Margo and me freezing our arses off at Warwick. Somewhere in the pram buried under blankets is our 4kg Papillon 'Keely'.
Come to Australia they said.
It's sunshine every day they said. The land of milk and honey they said
The men are big and strong. The women are all beautiful they said.
Golden beaches with warm water they said.
Lovely wildlife everywhere you go they said.
Like birds? We have a huge number of the most beautiful birds in the world they said.
Large cheap houses and back gardens for the kids they said.
Jobs galore with good pay said.
They also love dogs and have millions of them they said.
Sounds great ...off we go leaving chilly England behind.
What the tourist brochure didn't say--Is, there's a great divide between the city and the country.
The men in the city spend more time putting on makeup than the women. They go around in mobs talking about hair gel when they are not staring at their latest game on the phone.
How about the men in the country, surely they must be made of sterner stuff?
They are, they eat raw crocodiles for breakfast, walk around in bare feet in the scrub ignoring the seventeen most deadliest snakes in the world that wrap around their legs . All the while listening to country music telling the story about how the latest love of their life ran off with their best friend and how their dog died.
If I hear one more country sad song about a dying dog I am going to shoot myself.
The sea...they didn't mention, if the crocs and sharks don't eat you the jellyfish will cover that shortfall. If you manage to get out of the rips that will drag you out to sea and then get to the beach flies will attack and bite you. Yes...the flies bite you too.
Go to the park and have a picnic instead. I don't think so. The ants will eat you alive.
As you run out of the park the Magpies will sweep just like in the Hitchcock film and cling to your head where they will ferociously try to peck your eyes out.
Finally, you get into your car covered in bite marks from every known sea creature and insect and think you are safe.
This is where you will discover the Australian homosapiens, the most friendly humans on earth turn into raging insane lunatics when they get into a car and with no idea of left and right. They think that little blinky thing is ...what?...they have no idea what it is for and just switch it on randomly for fun. Traffic lights are advisory only.
You get home exhausted and grab a glass of Australian wine, the best wine in the world as it happens. Let's sit outside under the tree and enjoy nature . Hmmm... the beautiful birds you were told about are indeed beautiful. only trouble is, they all have the loudest most annoying screech instead of bird song. They are so pretty they don't have to sing.
Just as you get your earplugs in something bites you hard on your neck. Unfortunately, it is not your loved one. It's a mozzie with a hundred mates.
Even the loo isn't safe. You might find a few friendly frogs inside the bowl looking at you or the occasional unfriendly Redback spider waiting to bite your bum.
Dont leave your electric toothbrush on the open window ledge or you may find a snake wrapped around it like Margo did last week.
Still...there are thousands of dogs here and the Aussies do love their dogs. What the brochure didn't say was they love monster dogs.
The most popular dog in Australia is a 40 kg Pigdog. A Ridgeback x Pitbull x Dane x Mastive x Wolverine x Rottie x Tasmanian Devil. All of these dogs have one mission in life. that's is to kill each other and better still...kill me.
But the worst thing of all is they didn't BLOODY TELL ME HOW COLD IT WAS IN THE WINTER!.
Why do I stay here?... because it is a mental country full of lunatics and I love it because I fit right in.
Have a nice day!
Toodle pip.
The picture is Margo and me freezing our arses off at Warwick. Somewhere in the pram buried under blankets is our 4kg Papillon 'Keely'.
