Woodsmoke
Well-Known Member
Just for a laugh (and shamelessly plagiarised from American Rifleman)
1. .223 Remington
This is the Bantam rooster of the bunch, the cartridge with the Napoleonic complex; you embrace it believing you can take on the whole world with a microscopic cartridge, and you may just be right. You have no desire, whatsoever, to hear of any other centrefire cartridge, because your level of self confidence when armed with the .223 will send tactical zombie elephants running for their lives, wetting themselves at the very sight of you . . . . .
2. .270 Winchester
You are a gentleman, carrying your head high, while rocking a vintage red plaid wool hunting suit. Your claim to fame is the ability to sculpt an effigy of Jack O’Connor out of instant mashed potatoes at the deer camp table. Thirty calibre? Never heard of her . . . . .
3. .30-’06 Springfield
You’re the first born child, the apple of mommy’s eye. Although you never made the Dean’s list, mama hung every one of your art projects on the fridge, proud as a peacock. You did pretty well in life, and although you may not be the shining star you once were, you’re as loyal as a mutt, consistent and trustworthy. Modern bullets have given you a new lease on life, sort of like Viagra or Just For Men gel.
4. .308 Winchester
You are the middle child, the defiant one, who always lives in the shadow of your older brother, the ’06, but the two of you don’t speak at family parties. Although you aren’t mummy’s first born, you still strive to earn love and respect, hoping one day the family will realize you’ve been drilling distant targets like a boss for decades now. You’ll never be your older brother, and you couldn’t care less.
5. 7mm Remington Magnum
You strive to be different. Comparisons make you cranky, and you’re tired of sitting between the .270 and .30 calibres, with their claims to fame and fervent worshippers. In your best third grade voice, you put your hands on your hips and snottily explain your fantastic Ballistic Coefficients and better Sectional Densities, stick your tongue out, and look around the playground for your buddies Bryce Towsley and Jon Sundra. Screw the other guys, you’re going hunting. To you, fun is measured in millimetres, and the answer is seven.
6. .35 Whelen
You’re a loner. You really couldn’t give a rat’s rectum about other calibres, because the Almighty Himself chose Townsend Whelen to enlighten the shooting world, and that man could do no wrong. He may have used the (pathetic) ’06 case as a basis, but you know the .35 Whelen is the ultimate incarnation of the centrefire rifle cartridge. You keep a .35 Whelen cartridge on the night stand, so it is the last thing you see when you close your eyes, and the first thing you see when you wake up. And it should be that way, after all Col. Whelen also invented sunshine, smiles, Bourbon whisky and bacon.
7. .375 H&H Magnum
You’re a self confident, well rounded and well adjusted person. You are the Pete Postlethwaite of the cartridge world; never perfect for any role, but you show up in every damned movie. You are also a worldly person. You can order a drink in Kiswahili or Shona as if it was your mother tongue, and your luggage is well worn. Most of your passport pages are filled up, and you took out additional life insurance in the event you end up in some native village with a tire around your neck. Your daughter’s name is Holland, and like your favourite cartridge, you never go anywhere without a belt.
8. .45-70 Government
You sir, were born a century too late. You find solace in a fat, stubby, fire hydrant of a cartridge that throws projectiles larger than the batteries for the remote control. You have a serious man-crush on Yosemite Sam. When you shave that tiny part of your face that doesn’t sport facial hair, you finish with “Looking good, pardner.” The Cleveland Indians mascot makes you reach for your fetchin’-iron, and you don’t mind carrying enough lead in your cartridge belt to make your pants drop at light speed. Oh, you can also work a lever action with your feet.
9. .243 Winchester
You scoff at the foolish masses, with their silly, huge cartridges, trying so desperately to find their way in the world. Even though you’re the smallest of the .308 clan, your bigger brothers can continue to play their silly games; you know that a well-placed 6mm bullet will do all that is ever asked of it. To you, magnum cartridges are the general equivalent of needing Viagra or driving an Hummer; you just shake your head and have pity on the rest of the shooting world.
10. 7.62x54R
Da, Comrade! Who exactly are these ridiculous Westerners, with their cushy little recoil pads? Were they not born men? Go ahead, install your silly mercury-tube recoil reducers, you just pull the Stolichnaya from the freezer, slug it straight from the bottle, and print tiny little clover-leafed groups. Your dog, Moisin, and your cat, Nagant, look at you in awe as you glue your molars back into your jaw while cleaning your Model 91. You instinctively make all your R's and Ns backward when you write your name, and you cheer for Ivan Drago in Rocky IV.
11. .338 Win. Mag.
Look, we all know that Holland and Holland started the belted magnum thing, but for the love of the Pope, your beloved .338 case from Winchester is the ultimate incarnation. Everybody knows that the .338 bore is the best available, with bullets available from 165 grains to 300 grains, and there isn’t anything on the North American continent that you can’t crumple like a piece of typing paper. You hardly acknowledge the .30 calibre crowd, and when you do, it’s with a consoling pat on the back, as if to say “Nice try, kid.” After all, even Elmer Keith (please bow your head in reverence) embraced you as the Holy Grail of bore diameters.
12. .280 Remington
You’re the type of person that doesn’t really care about the opinions of others. Yeah, .270 blah, blah, ’06 yadda yadda; you know you’re the coolest guy at the party, and you can quietly sit it the corner, sip your Martini, and watch the rest of the guys fruitlessly try to impress the ladies. Meanwhile, you’ve got a small party of your own going on, and it’s infinitely better than theirs. You’re a James Bond type; never looking like a threat, but always coming out on top, having executed the mission perfectly. You’re so darned hip, you even went by an alias at one point in time.
13. .30/30 Winchester Centrefire
Look at you! Your hair is grey, you’re wrinkled up like an prune, but you’re hanging on like a champ. By all accounts, you should have been dead decades ago, but like Dick Clark, you never did look your age. While you won’t run any marathons, you revel in the fact that you can still challenge the young bucks when it comes to the short game, and you do your job with an unprecedented finesse, although you do it slower than others. I like you, snickering in the corner, while the rest of the young punks wish you’d drop dead. Carry on, old timer, you’ve earned the lifetime achievement award.
1. .223 Remington
This is the Bantam rooster of the bunch, the cartridge with the Napoleonic complex; you embrace it believing you can take on the whole world with a microscopic cartridge, and you may just be right. You have no desire, whatsoever, to hear of any other centrefire cartridge, because your level of self confidence when armed with the .223 will send tactical zombie elephants running for their lives, wetting themselves at the very sight of you . . . . .
2. .270 Winchester
You are a gentleman, carrying your head high, while rocking a vintage red plaid wool hunting suit. Your claim to fame is the ability to sculpt an effigy of Jack O’Connor out of instant mashed potatoes at the deer camp table. Thirty calibre? Never heard of her . . . . .
3. .30-’06 Springfield
You’re the first born child, the apple of mommy’s eye. Although you never made the Dean’s list, mama hung every one of your art projects on the fridge, proud as a peacock. You did pretty well in life, and although you may not be the shining star you once were, you’re as loyal as a mutt, consistent and trustworthy. Modern bullets have given you a new lease on life, sort of like Viagra or Just For Men gel.
4. .308 Winchester
You are the middle child, the defiant one, who always lives in the shadow of your older brother, the ’06, but the two of you don’t speak at family parties. Although you aren’t mummy’s first born, you still strive to earn love and respect, hoping one day the family will realize you’ve been drilling distant targets like a boss for decades now. You’ll never be your older brother, and you couldn’t care less.
5. 7mm Remington Magnum
You strive to be different. Comparisons make you cranky, and you’re tired of sitting between the .270 and .30 calibres, with their claims to fame and fervent worshippers. In your best third grade voice, you put your hands on your hips and snottily explain your fantastic Ballistic Coefficients and better Sectional Densities, stick your tongue out, and look around the playground for your buddies Bryce Towsley and Jon Sundra. Screw the other guys, you’re going hunting. To you, fun is measured in millimetres, and the answer is seven.
6. .35 Whelen
You’re a loner. You really couldn’t give a rat’s rectum about other calibres, because the Almighty Himself chose Townsend Whelen to enlighten the shooting world, and that man could do no wrong. He may have used the (pathetic) ’06 case as a basis, but you know the .35 Whelen is the ultimate incarnation of the centrefire rifle cartridge. You keep a .35 Whelen cartridge on the night stand, so it is the last thing you see when you close your eyes, and the first thing you see when you wake up. And it should be that way, after all Col. Whelen also invented sunshine, smiles, Bourbon whisky and bacon.
7. .375 H&H Magnum
You’re a self confident, well rounded and well adjusted person. You are the Pete Postlethwaite of the cartridge world; never perfect for any role, but you show up in every damned movie. You are also a worldly person. You can order a drink in Kiswahili or Shona as if it was your mother tongue, and your luggage is well worn. Most of your passport pages are filled up, and you took out additional life insurance in the event you end up in some native village with a tire around your neck. Your daughter’s name is Holland, and like your favourite cartridge, you never go anywhere without a belt.
8. .45-70 Government
You sir, were born a century too late. You find solace in a fat, stubby, fire hydrant of a cartridge that throws projectiles larger than the batteries for the remote control. You have a serious man-crush on Yosemite Sam. When you shave that tiny part of your face that doesn’t sport facial hair, you finish with “Looking good, pardner.” The Cleveland Indians mascot makes you reach for your fetchin’-iron, and you don’t mind carrying enough lead in your cartridge belt to make your pants drop at light speed. Oh, you can also work a lever action with your feet.
9. .243 Winchester
You scoff at the foolish masses, with their silly, huge cartridges, trying so desperately to find their way in the world. Even though you’re the smallest of the .308 clan, your bigger brothers can continue to play their silly games; you know that a well-placed 6mm bullet will do all that is ever asked of it. To you, magnum cartridges are the general equivalent of needing Viagra or driving an Hummer; you just shake your head and have pity on the rest of the shooting world.
10. 7.62x54R
Da, Comrade! Who exactly are these ridiculous Westerners, with their cushy little recoil pads? Were they not born men? Go ahead, install your silly mercury-tube recoil reducers, you just pull the Stolichnaya from the freezer, slug it straight from the bottle, and print tiny little clover-leafed groups. Your dog, Moisin, and your cat, Nagant, look at you in awe as you glue your molars back into your jaw while cleaning your Model 91. You instinctively make all your R's and Ns backward when you write your name, and you cheer for Ivan Drago in Rocky IV.
11. .338 Win. Mag.
Look, we all know that Holland and Holland started the belted magnum thing, but for the love of the Pope, your beloved .338 case from Winchester is the ultimate incarnation. Everybody knows that the .338 bore is the best available, with bullets available from 165 grains to 300 grains, and there isn’t anything on the North American continent that you can’t crumple like a piece of typing paper. You hardly acknowledge the .30 calibre crowd, and when you do, it’s with a consoling pat on the back, as if to say “Nice try, kid.” After all, even Elmer Keith (please bow your head in reverence) embraced you as the Holy Grail of bore diameters.
12. .280 Remington
You’re the type of person that doesn’t really care about the opinions of others. Yeah, .270 blah, blah, ’06 yadda yadda; you know you’re the coolest guy at the party, and you can quietly sit it the corner, sip your Martini, and watch the rest of the guys fruitlessly try to impress the ladies. Meanwhile, you’ve got a small party of your own going on, and it’s infinitely better than theirs. You’re a James Bond type; never looking like a threat, but always coming out on top, having executed the mission perfectly. You’re so darned hip, you even went by an alias at one point in time.
13. .30/30 Winchester Centrefire
Look at you! Your hair is grey, you’re wrinkled up like an prune, but you’re hanging on like a champ. By all accounts, you should have been dead decades ago, but like Dick Clark, you never did look your age. While you won’t run any marathons, you revel in the fact that you can still challenge the young bucks when it comes to the short game, and you do your job with an unprecedented finesse, although you do it slower than others. I like you, snickering in the corner, while the rest of the young punks wish you’d drop dead. Carry on, old timer, you’ve earned the lifetime achievement award.
) has left the barrel, no one cares what cartridge launched it, a good bullet in the right place, after a good stalk is what makes a hunter.
)
