HELP AND ADVICE PLEASE?

FrenchieBoy

Well-Known Member
Before I start lease do not look at this post and think "There is someone who wants to look like some sort of a good Samaritan" - It is not meant in that way - I am genuinely very concerned!

A fortnight ago a very good friend and neighbour lost his wife of over 40 years! We all knew it was coming, he had told us when his wife (Christina) was taken into hospital a month ago that he knew that she was never going to recover! As expected his wife passed away and we (Most of the neighbours) rallied around and tried our best to support and help him.
Two of us in particular were very close to Dave and Christina and would often sit outside and chat together till the early hours of the morning while sinking a few beers together, so much so my wife started calling us "The Band Of Brothers" or "The Three Amigos"!
Anyway, last Saturday night one of our other neighbours (The third one of "The Band Of Brothers/Three Amigos") knocked on my door and said that he was very worried about Dave! Dave had just phoned him and said that he had had a fall and could not get up off the floor, but when he went to Dave's door it was locked and what did I think was the best plan of action? Neither of us had a contact number for any of Dave's relatives so I said that maybe under the circumstances it might be better to give the police a call to ask their advice. This we did together and the police said that it might be better to call an ambulance as they might be in a better position to advise. Again this we did straight away and an ambulance was dispatched. We waited (and in all fairness) the ambulance arrived quite quickly but in the mean time Dave had managed to make his way down the stairs on his back side one step at a time and had managed to unlock the door. He was pretty shaken and had blood coming from both of his legs where he had fallen so the ambulance staff decided that it was best to take him into hospital to get him checked over. The following day Dave's daughter turned up and gave us both her phone number so that if anything happened again we had someone to contact.
Moving on to just half an hour ago I went outside to have my last pipe of the night before walking the dog and going to bed and noticed Dave standing outside his door and looking very upset. I went over to him to make sure he was OK. As it was he had had a couple of glasses of scotch (But didn't really smell of an excess of alcohol) and he had placed a large "imitation" bunch of flowers in a pot just outside his door in memory of Christina and was saying "Good Night" to her. (He really was in tears and obviously heart broken) I tried to reassure him that we were always there for him if ever he needed a shoulder to cry on I/We would always be there for him.
With that he told me something that I did not expect and did not know how to reply to - He told me that after last Saturday night he was seriously thinking about "ending it all"!
I tried to tell him that doing that was not the answer and that he was and always be surrounded by people who cared about him and loved him and were always there to help him, but I was at a loss as to what else I could say to him.
Please if someone has ever found their selves in that position with a close friend tell me what else can be done or what can be said to avoid a situation that might be avoidable as I am at a loss and don't know what the hell else I can do for the best?

And before anyone thinks or suspects it NO I haven't been drinking tonight, I am just very worried and concerned about Dave's welfare and his state of mind and if you can offer any advice that you would rather not put on an open forum please feel free to PM me!
 
@FrenchieBoy

Tricky one this.

I would ensure that his immediate family are aware. It is then a matter for them to seek professional medical help (if he will accept it).

Alcohol is not the answer. Easy to say. Alcohol is a depressant, and will compound his feelings of depression, isolation and loss.

What you cannot do, it take this on by yourself. You cannot prevent those who are determined to do so, from taking their own life.

The number of my colleagues who have done so, is now well into double figures (the last only being eighteen months ago).

If you can spend a hour or so with him, just listening (so hard for any man to do), when he has not been drinking, this may afford him some respite. No longer than an hour - it cannot become your full-time job. And not every day. Work out a regime that is 'doable' and agreeable with him.

It is a hard thing to say (I have said it to myself enough times) - if he takes his own life, did you do all that you 'reasonably' could to help?

If the answer to that is 'Yes", then life your live, and allow him to live his.
 
@FrenchieBoy
I would ensure that his immediate family are aware. It is then a matter for them to seek professional medical help (if he will accept

If you can spend a hour or so with him, just listening (so hard for any man to do), when he has not been drinking, this may afford him some respite. No longer than an hour - it cannot become your full-time job. And not every day. Work out a regime that is 'doable' and agreeable with him.

@Stalker62 has said pretty much what I would have said and these two paragraphs stand out to me.

Dave’s daughter gave you her phone number, that’s the first port of call.
 
Encourage him to allow a little time.
As time goes by the pain will ease and possibly be replaced with something like care for his children.
Is it possible his wife wouldn't want him to go through this pain and to end everything?
I'm sure she wouldn't.
Is it possible she would of wanted him to carry on for her daughter and friends? I'm sure she would.

Best wishes of course.
You're a good man Frenchie.
 
Thanks to the three of you for your advice! It has caused me a sleepless night! I will be calling his daughter this morning (Once I have woken up properly) and having a chat with her. Obviously with Dave living just a few doors away from me I will be keeping an eye on him and trying to spend time with him without being "overpowering" or leaving him feeling that I am crowding him and I will see how things progress while trying to make sure that he is trying to take care of himself and eating properly etc!

To Smellydog - I don't know if it does come down to me being a "good man", I am only doing what I am sure that most of us would do for a friend, but thank you for your kind words Sir! :tiphat:
 
Talking about suicide shouldn't be seen as taboo or downplayed for someone who is going through a lot of mental pressure. Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 50 (I appreciate your friend is older than this) and a big reason for this is that it isn't talked about, especially when talking about dealing with traumatic or high stress situations.

People, men especially need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and having these candid conversations with each other and getting things out in the open. In this situation, talking to him and more importantly, listening to him is key. He may not feel able to talk to family members so a friend could be what he needs to listen to what he's going through and what he is thinking without telling him it'll be ok or what to do but just listen. As mentioned we love giving advice and trying to solve problems but sometimes the solution is known by the person telling you the problem and they just need to get it out in their own words.
 
am genuinely very concerned!
Your a good man for getting involved.
A question. Does he have firearms?
If yes, You'd be doing g him a big favour by getting g them into storage, be that via yourself and a friendly RFD, or via the police.
Some .might ghink that's harsh, even betraying a good fried, but i feel not doi g it would be a betrayal. And once he's recovered, he'd get them back.

Good luck.

M
 
Your a good man for getting involved.
A question. Does he have firearms?
If yes, You'd be doing g him a big favour by getting g them into storage, be that via yourself and a friendly RFD, or via the police.
Some .might ghink that's harsh, even betraying a good fried, but i feel not doi g it would be a betrayal. And once he's recovered, he'd get them back.

Good luck.

M
I see what you are saying but the simple answer to that is NO so there's no risk in that whatsoever!
 
Hello, I would contact his family and make them aware of his mental health and well being
Yes! I have just come off the phone after a long chat with Dave's daughter and he had spoken to her about his "mental health" and how he might be able to "end it all" so she has made arrangements for extra "bereavement councelling" which has put my mind at rest a little.
I will of course make the time to chat to him regularly and try to make sure that he is OK and getting all the help he needs!

Thank you all for your help and replies!
 
FrenchieBoy I’m sorry l can’t help with any constructive suggestions to help yourself or your neighbour, you seem have all bases covered, it’s a time for all his family and friends to come together.

You are definitely the Good Samaritan if ever there was one.
 
FrenchieBoy I’m sorry l can’t help with any constructive suggestions to help yourself or your neighbour, you seem have all bases covered, it’s a time for all his family and friends to come together.

You are definitely the Good Samaritan if ever there was one.
Thank you for your kind words but as I said earlier I do not see myself as some sort of "Good Samaritan", I'm just a simple man who is acting as most of us would do! :tiphat:
 
The nhs can provide bereavement counselling and support and Cruse is known to be very good, some, men in particular don't like the idea, but it's not a weakness its a road onwards.
My advice to many over the years and it took me a good while to get there, is not to be afraid of change and the future. The grief of death is shattering and being shattered is normal, time is your friend and every day is a victory.
People say those that talk about it don't do it, yes they do, not all by any means but it's not a safe assumption.
FB it's hard, but my main feeling he is your friend but it's not on you. Being his friend is what's important but you can only do what you can. Visiting and talking having a brew and a biscuits just being around will be a big comfort I think.
Hobbies are good if he has one, once he can face it.
Good man FB ,
 
Go easy on the man, he’s going through a rough time.
Keep an eye on him if you can, it wont be easy but if you can stand the aggravation stick with it.
As for the alcohol, it happens, I did it. Just don’t let it take control.
Bring him out, get him a pup if you can, theres nothing like a pup to pull you out of your own head.
All his relationships have changed, that takes a heap of getting used to. Above all, if he has guns, don’t go dobbing him in to the FEO just yet, unless you feel you absolutely have to. You could easily do far more harm than good.
Ultimately, its not your decision and however it goes it won’t be your fault, you’re doing what you can.
Dogs, guns, shooting kids and grandkids gives me the incentive to get up every single morning.
They got me through some dark days.
I still drink too much, but given that the WHO recommends a zero safe limit, thats not hard.
 
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